The
Slingsby Scripts
Episode
One (Unaired).
Narrator-
“Slingsby was a nervous monster who lived in a little house on
the moon. He liked to watch the television and drink milk. When he wasn’t
watching the television or drinking milk, he would play with his friends.
He liked to play with Lionel the pig. Lionel was his imaginary friend
who lived in a cupboard. He was an educated pig and preferred books
to the television. But he used to eat the books, rather than read them.
Slingsby had another friend, and his name was Guy. Guy was the boy who
lived under Slingsby’s bed. He didn’t eat books but he did
like to drink milk. They were all best friends. Except that Slingsby
was terrified of Guy and Guy didn’t believe that Lionel really
was an imaginary pig at all…”
Guy (climbs out from under the bed)- “Morning Slingsby!”
Slingsby- “AAAH!
It’s that boy who lives under the bed!”
Guy- “Why
are you so scared of me, Slingsby?”
Slingsby- “I
don’t know. I keep thinking that you’re going to eat me
or something.”
Guy (laughs)- “Boys
don’t eat monsters! We eat sandwiches and chips and things.”
Slingsby- “Oh…what
about books?”
Guy- “Yes,
I like books.”
Slingsby- “What
about poorly written books that tie-in with over-hyped films as part
of a cynical merchandising syndicate?”
Guy- “Yes,
I like all sorts of books.”
Slingsby- “But
some taste better than others do they?”
Guy- “I’m
not sure that I know what you mean…”
Slingsby- “When
you have to eat books for your tea, I mean.”
Guy- “Eat
them? I don’t eat them! I read them!”
Slingsby- “Really?
Oh… it’s just that most people prefer eating them to reading
them. It’s a mark of a good education.”
Guy- “No
it isn’t! You silly monster man!”
Slingsby- “Well,
some of my friends like to eat them anyway.”
Guy- “You
mean Lionel the pig?”
Slingsby- “No...um…some
of my other friends…real ones…”
Guy- “Slingsby…
Lionel is real.”
Slingsby- “Of
course he isn’t!” (soppy voice) “He’s my imaginary
friend.”
Guy- “The
only thing that’s imaginary about Lionel is his public school
education.”
Lionel (voice from
inside cupboard) “I heard that!”
Guy- “Come
out and play with us, Lionel. I know you’re real.”
Lionel- “I
am not! How rude!”
Guy- “You’re
not really a pretend friend, Lionel, you’re really real.”
Slingsby- “Eh?
I don’t understand. Can you say that again, but with completely
different words in it this time?”
Lionel (pushes
cupboard door open with a trotter and continues to talk from inside
the cupboard) “Look! Here I am! I’m coming out of the cupboard
now and look! I’m completely invisible to the naked eye!”
Guy- “What
about a pair of eyes with socks on?”
Slingsby- “Now
I really am confused! I can’t see you at all, Lionel…”
Lionel- “Yes!
I am completely imaginary and entirely made-up!”
Slingsby- “Where
are you? I’m freaking out!”
Guy- “Stop
being silly! Lionel’s still in the cupboard- he only pretended
to come out.”
Slingsby- “I
knew that. I harboured a sneaky suspicion for some time.”
Lionel- “You
want to get that looked at.”
Guy- “Come
out, Lionel!”
Lionel- “I
certainly will not!”
Guy- “I’ve
got some new books for you to eat…”
Lionel- (bursts
out of the cupboard) “Books? Where are they? Are they paperbacks?
Second hand? Where are they where are they?”
Slingsby- “I
can’t see any books.”
Guy- “They’re
imaginary books.”
Lionel- “What
new madness is this? Do not toy with me, infidel!”
Slingsby- “I
didn’t even know you had one.”
Guy- “If
you’re really an imaginary friend, then you should be able to
eat imaginary books.”
Lionel- “AHA!
Imaginary books! Well, why didn’t you say so!” (pretends
to scoff imaginary books from the floor) “Yes! Delicious! Scoff
scoff.”
Guy- “Lionel…”
Lionel- “Can’t
talk- eating…”
Guy- “Lionel…”
Lionel- “Oh!
What is it?”
Guy- “That’s
not where the books are.”
Slingsby- (Laughs).
Guy (produces a
book from under the bed) – “In this book, there is a story
about a boy just like.”
Slingsby (in an
Italian accent)- “Just-a like-a Mamma used to make!”
Guy- “Except
in this story, the boy has a monster who lives under his bed.”
Slingsby- “You
what? A monster under the bed? What a silly story!”
Guy- “Yes,
but you see, the monster wasn’t real- it was just a bad dream
that the boy had.”
Slingsby- “Can’t
see what’s so bad about dreaming about monsters… we’re
lovely” (he sings the last word, spinning on one foot).
Guy- “But
the boy was scared of the monster, even though it was silly. Just like
you’re scared of me, Slingsby!”
Slingsby- “I’m
not scared of you anymore, Guy.”
Guy- “Because
of the story?”
Slingsby- “No,
not really. Although there are obvious parallels between our lives and
the tortured account that you have just given.”
Guy- “Well,
is it because now that you’ve gotten to know me, you realise that
there never was any reason to be afraid?”
Slingsby- “Not
really. Although you are relatively friendly- for a boy.”
Guy- “Well,
why then?”
Slingsby- “Because
if you’ve got imaginary books then you must be imaginary as well!”
Lionel- “He’s
not imaginary, Slingsby! Why, he’s not even half as invisible
as I am.”
Slingsby- “Maybe
you’re right. I suppose one made-up friend is enough for anybody.”
Guy- “Great
then let’s play football!”
Slingsby- “But we lost the ball last week…”
Lionel- “Wait,
wait! I’ve got lots of cricket gear in the cupboard!”
Guy- “Cricket?”
Slingsby- “But
we like football.”
Lionel- “Cricket
is the game of gentle-pigs! Far more refined and intellectual than football.”
Guy- “Oh,
alright then. We don’t have a football anyway.”
Lionel- (rooting
around in the cupboard) “Right! I’m middle acre batsman,
left field point eleven!” (emerges with nothing).
Slingsby- “Where’s
all the cricket stuff then?”
Lionel- “Well,
it is invisible, of course. I’m only imaginary, after all.”
THE END
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